Defecata Randomus

An Engineer's View of Santa Claus

2009-12-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

By now you may have already seen this, as it's been making the email rounds for years. If so, disregard and read something newer and interestinger. If not, enjoy!

Santa Claus: An Engineer's View

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would eat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporize within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas.

Helpful Hints for Women

2009-12-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

Ah, the Good Old Days, when mention of the word "misogyny" would result in the question "who's she?"

It was a kinder, simpler time. If you were a man. If you were a woman, well, there were a few little rules to follow ...

Way to keep the allure there, Courtney Love. Of course, Walt here is not even trying to cover up the fact that he's totally peeking.

That's 'cause men don't want a bunch of girly make-up on their jismop.

If he can see your balls, you're sitting awkwardly.

When a man really wants to dance that badly, it's a good bet he'd rather be dancing with another man. No that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

Were these really huge problems? Did women walk around like Flopsie McJiggles often? And were stocking made of cotton? I'm confused.

Because, in those days, Men did not have jointed necks.

Wet Willies are especially forbidden.

Avoid topics like work, music, books, cinema, the '38 Phillies, his ED, and the fact that you're pregnant from your tryst with the Latino kid at the supermarket.

Why not? It's not like Dour Dan over there is providing a stimulus package.

Unless, of course, it's to say how great they'd look in a crumpled heap at the foot of his bed. Chicka-bow-wow.

Seriously? It's amazing anyone in that era ever got laid.

Exactly. Keep your drunken flirtations with a total stranger a secret. Remember, hidden cameras and YouTube are way, way off in the future.

Dear Diary, I'm totally gonna score tonight, once I can get her past Zorba.

Merry Christmas, Freckle-Boy!

2009-12-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

This ad was pulled by Tesco because gingers got upset. Thank God it wasn't a Muslim kid.

It's a shame that we can't laugh without fear anymore.

Happy whatever the fuck you celebrate. Just please relax and don't get all shitty.

It's Christmas for those of us who celebrate life and love and caring about those around us. All of them, All of you. Put your religious anger aside and just fucking enjoy a good time. I know it hurts, but do it. Who knows, you might even like that pecan pie.

It's the one time of the year to care.

Don't fuck it up by being a jerk.

Happy Holidays.

I have no idea what this means.

2009-12-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

But for God's sake, don't do this. Whatever it is.

Stuart's Holiday Gift Guide 2009

2009-12-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

Every year right around this time, we're faced with the daunting task of picking out gifts for family, friends, co-workers, and other people we absolutely cannot stand. Often, we rely on pre-made lists (Billy wants World of Porncraft 3); tradition (yes, it's the 2009 commemorative Earnhart plate with oak-grain display stand); or advertising ("I think he got me the Dollop of Semen pendant!" "How do you know?" "He went to Jared." [giggles] )

Often we just give up and buy whatever the hell is on the endcap at Walgreen's. This year (2009), I offer you an alternative. This brief guide may or may not help you with truly heartfelt gifts lovingly made in Chinese sweatshops from the cheapest lead- and melamine- based materials in the world.

Happy ChristmaChannuKwanzaaKah!

The FillerBuster - A brilliant bit of software designed to work with iTunes and all other MP3 programs, FillerBuster automatically detects upcoming instrumental riffs and long, drawn-out stretches of music that serve no purpose other than to waste your valuable time and seamlessly skips past them to get you back to the good bits of the song that you actually want to hear. With FillerBuster, you can enjoy Freebird in just over 5 minutes, Iron Butterfly's Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida in under 4 minutes, and Cream's double album in just under 22 minutes! Those examples right there save approximately three days alone. Disclaimer: This product not intended for use by Phishheads.

Puking Dog Alarm Clock - For those of you who have ever owned a dog, you know that there is one sound and one sound only that will pull you from even the deepest delta stage and cause you to immediately rush for the back door with poor hunched-up Fido in tow, only to make it just to the edge of the carpet before the lava-flow of yellow slime erupts from the poor fellow. The Puking Dog Alarm Clock realistically emulates the deep, reverse-peristaltic "howoomp, howoomp!" sound that is the harbinger of having to clean up hork at 3 AM. Wake-up results guaranteed. Available in black and platinum.

Van Halen House Shoes - Walking around the house can be tricky, especially if you have hardwood floors or live in a rainy climate. With Van Halen house shoes, your walking safety is assured. Made with supple calfskin uppers and ultra-sticky treaded soles, these shoes will make sure that you'll never, ever slip. Instead, you'll jump. Go ahead and jump. I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough, I seen the toughest around. And I know, baby just how you feel. You got to ro-o-oll with the punches, and get to what's real. Like these house shoes.

Toilet Tray - Another great product that saves valuable time, the Toilet Tray is a sturdy platform that attaches to the wall with a locking articulating arm, allowing one to enjoy a hearty breakfast (the most important meal of the day!) while taking a shit. Great for the still-employed Yuppie in your life.

Canned Haggis - Designed for the Scotsman on the go, this is a complete haggis sealed in a can filled with a gelatinous substance that is slightly less repulsive than the actual haggis. Best enjoyed while either stoned or Scottish, or preferably both. Not for the squeamish. Phishheads may enjoy it.

Falcon Flight Weather Balloon - I really don't need to explain this, do I? Just remember to teach your kid the importance of lying to the authorities.

Bacon-Scented Feminine Wash - Ah, two of man's favorite things combined. You want nom-nom in the hinter regions? This will do it. Also handy for lonely women with dogs. Certain uses may or may not be endorsed by this blog. For those guys who prefer dong to cooter, this product may also be used as Weenie Wash.

Cheese Beer - The best of two worlds in one mug. Kind of like that viral video, but with less poo. This is high-quality handcrafted beer made with only the best hops and grains and generously infused with real California cheese for an experience that's truly satisfying, refreshing, and binding. Choose from Cheddar Pale, Emmentaler Pilsner, Honey Wheat Bleu, Camembert Winter Ale, and for those with simpler tastes, Cheez-Wiz Lite Lager. Crackers sold separately.

Or, you could just get them some fine art:

No underwear was harmed in the making of this ... thing.

"That was a lovely service. Did you pick up the ashes or are they AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2009-12-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Color me old-fashioned, but I'd rather remember a loved one by looking at a nice vase or even a wooden box rather than a full-sized or even a 1/4-scale sized replica head with a flip-open top like Ray Liotta had in Hannibal. But then that's just me.

I'd never get past the fact that it's staring at me.

Kinda like this, only way fucking creepier and not nearly as cool.

Letter Rip

2009-12-06T15:52:00.000-08:00

We use letters every day to create words and acronyms and all sorts of other things that are comprised of letters. Sometimes we use these letters on their own to identify a location, a grouping, or a quality grade. Even sometimeser we use these in product names, descriptions, and myriad other pop culture references. That's where this list comes in.

The following are words or designations that fit with a specific letter of the alphabet. Some match with more than one, but that other one is wrong. See if you can match 'em all. They are in no particular order, unless you count totally random as an order.

Special thanks goes to Kari, who helped me with that particular last one which eluded me to the ... well, a lot.

Oh, and by the way ... each letter is used only once. So this is kinda like Sudoku or whatever. Hence the 26 clue-thingys.

__ Crew

__-Day

__-51 Mustang

__-Sides

__-Wing

__-Troop

__-Face

__-Corp

Special __

__-16

__-Note

__Phone

__-Bert

Compound __

__-Harmony

__-Listed

__th Degree

Mister __

__-Spot

__-Team

280__

__-134a

__-Tryptophan

Preparation __

__-Boat

Generation __

Have fun. You will be graded.

Handy reference guide.

The season of love, caring, generosity, and really hideous sweaters is nigh upon us like a fruitcake from the Heavens.

2009-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's that time of year to break out the sweaters-turned-holiday dioramas and the stirrup pants. Ladies, this goes for you too. Personally, I hate sweaters. Always have. Even back in the day when I rawked the sweater-mullet and fuzzstache, I just couldn't quite warm up to the sweater. Unless, of course, it looked awesome in its horridness.

Here's a fun little place where you can design your dream sweater. I had some fun with this last year. Here are some samples:

Sorry

No really, I'm sorry

There's nothing wrong with me, I swear

I was just having some fun, okay?

Who are you calling?

Okay, I'll stop now.

Ho Ho Ho, yo.

Sweaters make the man.

Shit.

2009-12-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

I tried to make this thing look cool, but wound up fucking up the whole template and in doing so lost many of my widgets.

Can't seem to get 'em back without manual labor, and as a white American, that's not an option.

I wear glasses. I should know this stuff.

Or so I'm told.

*sigh*

Phrases that just plain piss me off.

2009-12-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

Ever hear a phrase that just makes you cringe at its complete moronity? (it's a word) No? Well then, stop reading because this doesn't apply to you. You'll be cruisin' for a bruisin'. See what I mean? You just winced a bit, didn't you?

Me? I was hurtin' for certain. Jesus, this actually hurts to type.

A lot of these phrases are used in advertising: "Fun in the Sun!" "Season for Pleasin'!" "Sell like Hell!" Most are simply used by cretins and are often employed as feeble threats, such as: "Zip your lip!" or the aforementioned two. One that holds a particularly warm spot in Hell for me is "I'm in it to win it!", because it's just so fucking stupid. Never has anyone uttered the phrase, "I'm in it to place a solid third."

Perhaps the worst thing is when someone (usually a male who finds Hooters pretty upscale) either makes one up on the spot: "I'm jonesin' for a bonesin'!", or uses one that's been around since the invention of air and tries to pass it off as an original: "You got it made in the shade!"

Are there any particular ones that grate on you? Please ... dare to share.

At least this one makes sense.

What Birds Really Think of Us.

2009-12-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

Figured as much.

Original story found here, which begs the question "what the hell is a twitcher?"

YGBFKM of the Day

2009-12-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

I tried to copy and paste the text, but the formatting went all wonky, so instead you can read the story here.

In a nutshell, a couple in Pennsylvania got arrested for not tipping after receiving lousy service at a bar/restaurant.

Wow.

No really, wow.

Artist's interpretation.

A feast fit for a king. A king with several tapeworms, some killer weed and a severe eating disorder, I mean.

2009-11-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

It started out as just a turkey. Then it became deep-fried turkey. Then someone had the brilliant idea of putting a chicken in a turkey, then a duck in the chicken, and calling it a turducken. Clever, no?

Well, screw that noise. This year it's gonna be big. I mean huge.

An ostrich. Stuffed with an emu. Stuffed with a goose wrapped around a turkey enveloping a chicken fitted over a duck swallowing a quail surrounding a pigeon draped over a parakeet containing a finch lovingly ensconcing a hummingbird. With a raisin inside.

I call it an Ostemugooturchiduquapigakeetfinhumsin. It takes 19 hours to cook at 350 degrees. Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

I'll save you a mound.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Actually, I think this is the After picture. I mean like four hours after. After being eaten, I mean. And partially digested.

Attention Holiday Travelers

2009-11-25T12:12:00.000-08:00

Don't do this.

Found at xkcd. Happy Thanksgiving!

How to fuck with the kid in the car next to you at a stoplight.

2009-11-25T00:14:00.000-08:00

Keep a TV remote in your glove box. When the little towhead next to you looks, smile knowingly and keep an eye on the cross-street lights. Pick up the remote and press a button when the light turns green. He will think you are the coolest person on Earth as you zoom through the intersection. His parents will never, ever, compare, no matter how many times they tell him he's wrong about what he saw.

It feels good to help a child expand his or her horizons.

Nothing at home will ever compare to the awesomeness at 43rd and Spruce.

Vista Update

2009-11-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

Okay, it seems that for the moment I can post on other blogs. Yippee. As far as I can figure, this BlogLock has to do with either my Google Chrome settings (that I cannot adjust) or perhaps Blogger hates me and wants me to stay up late in order to comment. Or simply that Vista hates anyone who uses a browser not sanctioned by Microsoft (read: any one that works).

In any case, I blame Vista. And Al Gore. Except Vista didn't cause the ice caps to melt.

I never had these types of problems with XP, which of course is why I was forced into using Vista.

Have I made it clear that I am not a fan of Vista? No? Probably because it won't fucking let me. I think that anytime I use the words "fucking" and "Vista" in the same sentence, some slightly pudgy Seattle-based guy in a white short-sleeved shirt and Dad's tie is sitting there sipping on a caramel raisin chai half-caf lattefrappachocomochaccino and chuckling quietly to himself while suppressing the memory of the ridicule and slug-bugs he got back in high school.

I hate that guy.

And the sad part is I never even got to beat him up.

So here, in all its glory, is how I feel. Courtesy of Samsmama, who sent me this. She rawks.

We're germin' ... I wanna germ it wit you ...

2009-11-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

In honor of Flu Season™, here's a lovely little display of the evacuation of bodily fluids. Yeah baby.

Get your minds out of the gutters.

2012. Doomsday. The End of the World as We Know It (and I feel fine) ...

2009-11-19T12:54:00.000-08:00

It's starting already.

Yeah, it's like that.

GODDAMMIT!

2009-11-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

I hate Vista. That, and I think I hate Google Chrome. That, and I hate Norton. Ever since my last Windows Fuckupdate, I am having problems commenting on other blogs. And by that I mean I can't. I'm sure this is for my protection.

What pisses me off is that I had both clever comments and useful advice. Not really, but it still pisses me off that I can't comment.

I'm getting a Mac. That's all there is to it.

Why darling, you're hard as a rock!

2009-11-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

"Yes, I certainly am, dear. In fact, you could say that I'm ...

[click here for punchline].

It would explain the smile. The creepy, WTF smile. Seriously, what is this?

And now, for your viewing pleasure ...

2009-11-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

Guinea Pigs in Costumes. Yep.

Tastes like chicken.

Monday WTF of the ... Whatever

2009-11-16T11:44:00.001-08:00

Happy Monday! Let's Yoga!

But please, dear God, not like this. Please.

Ironic Picture of the Early Nocturne

2009-11-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

Two words: Thank God.

Veteran's Day, 2009

2009-11-11T14:04:00.001-08:00

Go find a veteran and thank him or her. Seriously.

My Office

2009-11-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, that's a total lie right there. This is what my office was supposed to look like. Didn't take.

My shithole lies below ...

Shithole

2009-11-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

It's still the same CrapCam picture as before, but there's my temporary office. What you can't see are all of the file folders that I've shoved off of the table and onto the head of a very tolerant cat. I promise to provide better pictures when I can afford another $12,000 battery for my camera.

Just kidding. That battery is actually on sale at Fry's for only $9,995.

If you look closely, you can see Vista locking up.

This just had awesome written all over it.

2009-11-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

Shatner? check

Beat Poetry Setting? check

Palin-related Tweets? check

Commence launch to Planet Fuckyeah:

Because I have nothing to talk about ...

2009-11-03T22:02:00.000-08:00

and because this is just awesome enough to buy me some more time to find something to talk about.

Creamy goodness from the mall. Oh yeah.

I met this guy at a Jason Mraz concert.

Awesome News Headline of the Nocturne

2009-10-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

Drunken Pair Floored by Men in Drag After Squaring Up to Spider-Man.

The video, sadly, does not quite live up to the overwhelming awesomeness of the title and the whole story, really.

Still, it's pretty good.

Don't fuck with these chicks. They're GUYS, dammit.

State of Mind Update

2009-10-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

This has been your State of Mind Update.

In Honor of the Return of Samsmama

2009-09-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

And of course, to all the lovely ladies out there ... you know who you are.

There is no correlation here whatsoever. Total coincidence.

Because I'm a geek, that's why!

2009-09-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Admit it - you woulda done the same, right? Right?

Schadenfreude

2009-09-22T21:45:00.001-07:00

It used to be a word that only a handful of Americans knew the meaning of. Now we call it the Internet.

This poor gal is famous now. For a good solid fifteen minutes.

Her phone is totally busy right now.

CGTJWWKMIIDGHC.

PS - She may no longer be engaged. Maybe.

Answers to the Movie Quiz ...

2009-09-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

have been posted in the Comments Section. If you still wanna play that quiz, post your answers in one of the other quiz comments sections. Or here. Or anywhere, for that matter. Who the hell said you have to color inside the lines? This is a free country, dammit!

See that ice? That's chunks of frozen FREEDOM, baby.

Album Titles as Literalized by a Pretentious Asshole

2009-09-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

Same as before, only different. Kinda.

Go!

Corporeal Tagging

Magenta Precipitation

Loose Clamor and Melodic Drone

Adhesive Phalanges

MCMLXXXIV

Merely a Male Child

Aphotic Lunar Portion

Genetically Predisposed to Scamper

Hedgehog

1.1829411825 Liters to Liberty

Melee of the City of Angels

Standard Commercial Activity

Nocturnal Motions

Internally Initiated Conflagration

Esurience for Chaotic Disassembly

Antología Blanca

More Formidable than Tanned Bovine Skin

One Style of Prestidigitation

Beneath the Plateau and Musing

Yeah, they bang chicks. Why do you ask?

Filler Quiz - Movie Victims Reheated

2009-09-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'ma reuse this one whilst I create a new quiz (it's gonna be a toughie, I hope).

Some of you are just too fucking smart and I must challenge you severely for that. So grab your Comfy Chair and prepare to be taunted.

Meanwhile ... name the movies that these victims are from. This is a rehash from July and some have already seen it, but now that I have, like, two new readers ... this Bud's fer you. Name that movie. (Sorry, Cary - I had to)

Bring out your dead!

Laura Palmer

Amanda Hunsaker

Fredrica Bimmel

Benjamin Raspail

Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru

Ben Parker

Dr. Malcolm Crowe

Helen Kimble

Marion Crane

Sam Wheat

Bernie Lomax

Mister Boddy

Pfc. William Santiago

Goose (two-pointer here)

Dennis Vinyard

Joe Takagi

Fawn Liebowitz

Murron

Miles Dyson

Eric Draven

Catherine Shelby

Jessie Rockatansky

Not a Prius.

Quiz Update

2009-09-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

There will be more coming henceforth and hitherto. Whatever the McFuck that means. Stay tuned; I'm hard at work creating ...

Cheers!

You can't tell, but I have an erection that reaches the very bottom of this board.

Band Names as Literalized by a Pretentious Asshole

2009-09-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the last quiz (see below), here's yet another annoying collage of verbal spew which takes the names of bands and takes them to literal roots. Bear in mind that the actual spellings don't count, because as we all know, rockers are stupid people.

If in doubt, blurt it out, just like Grandpa used to say before shitting himself.

Go!

Guided Dirigible

Visually Impaired Casaba

Phat Large Spotted Feline

Panel Truck Frozen Rain Occurrence

Definite Article Definite Article

German Minimalist Design School

Definite Article Query of Identification

Bob Seger

Royal Monarch Magenta

Disparate Types of Electrical Transfer

Handheld Weapons and Pricey Blooms

Female Royal Monarch

Ferrous Lass

Female Royal Monarchs of the Paleolithic

Saturated Chroma Holy Day

24th Letter of the Alphabet

Verdant Diurnal Course

Definite Article Tumbling Pebbles

Child Ore

Female Figure of Christianity that Often Appears in Toast

Vehicular Safety Testing Mannequins

Monarchic Son

Oyster Irritant Marmalade

Deceased Lactate Purveyors

Not Memorex

High Altitude Reconnaissance Craft

Architect of Monticello Flying Machine

These assholes have gotten enough attention, don'tcha think?

PS - CGTJWWKMIIDGHC

Well-Known Lyrics as Interpreted by a Pretentious Asshole

2009-09-12T00:28:00.000-07:00

Ever listen to a song and think "By Golly, those are some fascinating lyrics, but what do they truly mean? Maybe I should have my 12th Grade English teacher translate them!"

Of course you don't. That would be asinine. Which is why I did this - so you wouldn't have to.

Don't thank me.

Just de-translate these lyrics back into their originally intended forms. I know you can.

The ambient temperature in this location is elevating, so disrobe completely.

(My core temperature is increasing alarmingly, I will remove all of my garments)

There is a female who is confident that all objects capable of reflecting and refracting light are composed of precious metal

And she is purchasing a graded incline with which to reach an ethereal realm of bliss

All things considered, leaping is a viable option

Proceed to leap

A darkened interior environment is less perilous*

We are currently in your presence, provide us with mirth

I have traversed the vacant arid landscape on an anonymous equine

It brings me solace to be away from the precipitation

Merely a young female who hailed from a diminutive community, existing in a paradigm of solitude

She chose to embark upon a locomotive departing at the nocturnal meridian apex and with no particular destination

I am a singular Homo Ovus

I am a singular Odobenus Rosmarus

(often misspelled nonsensical words)

The female was a mechanical construct created for rapid movement and maintained the tidiness of her propulsion unit

She was the ultimate maledicted female in my history of observation

This remains my personal celebratory congregation and I reserve the right to express sorrow should I see fit to do so

You are bequeathed with the necessity of engaging in combat in order to preserve your inherent freedom to engage in social revelry

All people desire an unspecified quantity greater than one

I desire that as well

My desire is to engage in a raucous form of music for the nocturnal duration

And mingle socially on a diurnal basis

Kind acceptance to the public lodging comprising a large majority of the US Pacific coast

Quite the handsome premises, quite the winsome countenance

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

Sure, but can you make a Margarita?

* - edited to fix an incorrect lyric. Bad Google! Bad!

Giant Rat News Update: Giant Rat Found in Lost Volcano

2009-09-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

This cute li'l feller was found in a jungle in a crater atop an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea (national motto: "Just Wait Til You See Mamua New Guinea!")

He measures over three feet in length and has appeared in such movies as The Princess Bride and Ben and is currently working on a hit single with Jay-Z.

I think I'll call him Tim.

He looks like a Tim.

In other Rat News ...

Giant Rat Found in California

2009-09-10T20:17:00.001-07:00

This rat, however, has little or no redeeming qualities.

I'll call him Tim too.

What amazes me about this rat is that he managed to nail two chicks at the same time.

Look at him.

Seriously. Look at that. Who the McFuck would want to nail that?

Guess it's true what they say about having absolute power.

It absolutely rawks.

I guess.

Wardrobe Malfunction of the Nocturne

2009-09-09T19:15:00.001-07:00

Can you spot what went wrong? I think you can.

Attention Brits: Be Afraid. Be Very, Very Afraid.

2009-09-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

You might chip that last remaining tooth.

Mind the Nice Tea ones especially. Quite nasty little buggers.

Speaking of Shitty Music ...

2009-09-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

I think this says it all, and with a sweet little melody you can white-dance to.

Assemble your Fantasy Band

2009-09-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

This is like Fantasy Football, only without the Football (or, as so many misguided foreigners tend to call it, "Futbol", which is another sport entirely and is largely unwatched by Americans and therefore sucks).

This is your Fantasy Band, which as the name suggests is wholly unbased in any form of reality. I heard this suggestion on a morning show (Mark and Brian - KLOS) and thought I'd steal it since I have no original ideas anymore.

Basically, you assemble a band based on any musicians living or otherwise (Keith Richards fits either description) and wonder if they'd actually be any good or would just totally suck like some Superbands have.

For mine, I have cautiously and carefully randomly selected the following:

Lead Singer - Scott Weiland. For at least the first few weeks before he goes back into Rehab. Then that spot would be filled by either Chris Cornell or Michael Hutchence. Or both. Why the fuck not? Any of these guys can wail and croon, and I like that sort of versatility.

Lead Guitar - this was a tossup between Prince and Tom Morello, with a dash of Slash thrown in. Prince is amazing when he wields his axe, Morello can create sounds that would make George Lucas have spasmodic orgasms of envy, and Slash ... well, he can rock a crowd and look plain ugly doin' it. Winner: Prince.

Rhythm Guitar - Sorry, but I have to throw John Mayer into this spot. Guy's good.

Bass - again, a tossup. Flea or Les Claypool. Shit. This is a tough one. Winner: Les.

Drums - Grohl. Hell yeah. Danny Carey was close, real close. As was Collins. But Grohl gets the spot.

Keyboards - yes, fucking keyboards. You know they're gonna be in there at some point, so ... Martin Gore? Bruce Hornsby? Billy Joel? Elton? Hmm. Winner: Brian Eno.

Triangle: Ed Grimley. Duh.

I'm gonna stop now cause I have to get some sleep and no one's reading this anyway. I may update it tomorrow just out of OCD.

Cheers!

Answers to the Quiz from Last Year or Whatever

2009-09-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

Y'know, the one right below this? Yeah, that one. I know a bunch of you have been waiting for these, so here they are.

1) Jenny Garth Brooks

2) Thomas Jane Seymour

3) Billy Graham Nash

4) Joss Stone Phillips

5) Terrence Howard Hughes

6) Michael Douglas Fairbanks

7) Bob Dylan McDermott

8) Hugh Grant Goodeve

9) Meg Ryan Reynolds

10) Ron Jeremy Irons

11) George Michael Douglas

12) Joe Dante Alighieri

13) Scott Glenn Close

14) Toby Keith Urban

15) George Brett Favre

16) Billy Joel or Zane Grey (double super bonus answer)

17) Clarence Thomas Dolby

18) Phyllis George Romero

19) Bruce Lee Majors

20) Brian Keith Richards

21) Chris Rock Hudson

22) Lenny Bruce Campbell

23) Janet Jackson Pollock

24) Mary-Louise Parker Stevenson

25) Joan Rivers Cuomo

26) George Will Smith

27) Lee Marvin Gaye

28) Pete Rose McGowan

29) Hugh Laurie Anderson

30) Kevin James Joyce

31) Martha Stewart Copeland

32) Eli Whitney Houston

33) Bernie Mac Davis

34) Bobby Van Morrison

35) Grace Kelly Hogan

36) Andy Dick Van Patten

37) Clive Owen Wilson

38) Roddy Piper Laurie

39) Matt Damon Wayans

40) Nick Jonas Salk

Hope you all had fun!

The Missing Link Quiz, Episode IV: Malcolm in the Middle

2009-08-25T18:52:00.000-07:00

Following is a list of names that share one thing in common: a missing name in the middle. The missing middle name is the last name of the first name and the first name of the last name. Got it?

In other words, AB and BC share B, where A and C just make no sense together otherwise, except that some of them happen to be quite lovely. And these are all real people, or sometimes were, as the case may be. No fictitious character names were harmed.

This is where all that Algebra finally pays off. Hints available for .99 on iStunes.

Now here they are, in no particular order ... your Missing Links:

1) Jenny Brooks

2) Thomas Seymour

3) Billy Nash

4) Joss Phillips

5) Terrence Hughes

6) Michael Fairbanks

7) Bob McDermott

8) Hugh Goodeve

9) Meg Reynolds

10) Ron Irons

11) George Douglas

12) Joe Alighieri

13) Scott Close

14) Toby Urban

15) George Favre

16) Billy Grey (double super bonus answer)

17) Clarence Dolby

18) Phyllis Romero

19) Bruce Majors

20) Brian Richards

21) Chris Hudson

22) Lenny Campbell

23) Janet Pollock

24) Mary-Louise Stevenson

25) Joan Cuomo

26) George Smith

27) Lee Gaye

28) Pete McGowan

29) Hugh Anderson

30) Kevin Joyce

31) Martha Copeland

32) Eli Houston

33) Bernie Davis

34) Bobby Morrison

35) Grace Hogan

36) Andy Van Patten

37) Clive Wilson

38) Roddy Laurie

39) Matt Wayans

40) Nick Salk

Find the missing Wal*Mart shopper.

Changeup of the Nocturne

2009-08-22T00:54:00.000-07:00

This looks wicked scary. Like shit-your-pants wicked scary.

So after that I'll watch some a little more lighthearted and sweet.

Squirrel Update: Squirrels Gone Wylde

2009-08-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

What manner of squirrel dares go into battle unprotected? Surely not these fine denizens of dread. For yea, they be sportin' some serious metal, yo.

These guys will fuck up your world UP.

Got Squirrel?

2009-08-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ever think to yourself, "Self, this is a great picture and all, but damn what I wouldn't give if it just had more squirrel in it." ?

Well, wish no more. Squirrelize that bitch.

Everything's better with squirrel.

Once again, your tax dollars at Twit- work.

2009-08-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? They need a study for this? Really?

I should just change the name of this to "The Daily Duh".

This is urgent. I ... just ... crosded ... teh ... street. There.

Why Citizens of the UK are so much better prepared for real life than Americans

2009-08-16T19:15:00.001-07:00

They go through rigorous testing.

Level One Boss ain't got shit on me!

Classic Creepy Nusery Rhyme of the Nocturne

2009-08-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

While I have never actually watched an entire episode of Lost, I'm sure many of you have and probably know this character better than I do. Nonetheless, this is pretty cool, even if it's old and has been done to death.

If I ever have children, this is how I will read to them.

A News Story, Written by M. Knight Shyamalonom

2009-08-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

It starts out pretty good, what with the title alluding to a potential confrontation and all. Check this shit out, yo ...

Alleged car thief returns to scene of crime, then enters house

THE GAZETTE

A man who allegedly stole an off-duty police officer’s personal car from the cop’s home early this morning returned to the scene of the crime and was caught wearing the officer’s police jacket.

This is where the tension starts to build.

Michael Reeder, 49, was arrested on suspicion of motor vehicle theft and burglary after he was found in Officer Ruben Crews’ home in the Patty Jewett area.

This sets a character and a location. Good, good ... tell us more. We're interested now.

Crews and his wife had gone looking for their stolen vehicle around 6 a.m. When they returned home, they saw the car in the driveway and that a window to the house was open.

Sweet. The story has come full circle, and in a moment the plot will be revealed after an amazingly intense confrontation:

The officer confronted Reeder, who was wearing Crews’ police jacket.

[eerie violins that get faster and louder, building up to the huge climax, which explodes with ...]

Both received minor injuries in a struggle. Reeder was taken to Penrose Hospital, treated for a head injury and released.

Reeder was booked into the El Paso County jail this afternoon.

[noneface]

Seriously? That's it? Just over like that?

No, it wasn't like it was bad, it was just ... I dunno ... okay, I guess. I mean, that's pretty much it anyway. No need to elaborate or anything.

It's just ten bucks. Huh.

Fuck.

This has been A News Story Written by M. Knight Shymallalong

Nuns on the Run Update of the Nocturne

2009-08-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

There are so many awesome things in this story about nuns, Hondas, boxing gloves and fields that I just don't know where to begin.

But after it all, I have a new favorite phrase of the Nocturne ... "It didn't look right."

And you thought the ruler on the knuckles was bad.

In other Rodent News ...

2009-08-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

comes this somewhat sad tale of unrequited love.

I will poo for you, and only you, mon cherie ...

Squirrels: Evil or just Canadian?

2009-08-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

We report, you decide.

Yeah! How you like me NOW, bitches?

(Thanks to Jodi, who will of course kill me if I don't give her credit.)

Your Pounds at Work

2009-08-12T20:27:00.000-07:00

And by "pounds", I mean "units of British currency spent on studies that reveal exceptionally profound and heretofore unknown insights into the human psyche".

This is BIG, folks. I mean like hugely big.

Serving suggestion.

Karma Koupon of the Nocturne

2009-08-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

This particular one gets awarded to me, since I did it and it's my fucking blog. So there.

This past Sunday, I was filling my car with horrendously overpriced refined petroleum when I noticed that the young guy in an older model Mercedes had started to drive away with his gas cap off and the filler door open. I mused about that for a moment until I saw him heading into the automated carwash.

During this time, I was talking to Jodi and told her about the event. (I'm adding this credit 'cause she'll kill me if I don't.) She agreed that I would have to point this out.

So I pulled my car up to the carwash entrance and ran in just as the soap started drizzling, waving at the driver to let him know that I wasn't just touching his car for no reason. I closed the filler door, at which point the guy backed out and exited the car.

He thanked me for saving him from what would have been a disastrous turn of events.

I earned my Koupon for the day.

Tell me your Karma Koupon story.

I can't believe I didn't rip this off, I mean post this, earlier.

2009-08-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's a clean fucking classic.

Highlights for Kids Game of the Nocturne

2009-08-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

Find at least four things wrong with this picture. If you spot six, you're doomed to Hell.

That's right, bitches. You are going to Hell. Send a postcard?

A Classic.

2009-08-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

This is an oldie too, but it's one of the very few videos I've seen that have honestly made me wonder "Whiskey Tango Felch?" out loud (props to Kari for that awesome acronym).

So if you ever need to not defend yourself against George Costanza in a dyslexic bandana and carrying a 3" pocket knife yet want to get into shape with catchy music, this is for you.

Vehemently suggested by Jodi, who will kill me if she isn't credited.

ps - "Dyslexic Bandana" would be a great name for a shitty hair-metal band

The Voice. The sweet, sweet Voice.

2009-08-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

This is a nice little tribute to Don, whose voice I still miss. No one did it like he did.

Don LaFontaine Tribute: King of Trailer Voice-Over - watch more funny videos

One more before I hit it ...

2009-08-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah. It's like that.

Maryland Awareness Update.

2009-08-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

They're very aware.

Guys? Guys? Hello?

This has been your Maryland Awareness Update.

Germans. They know with amazing precision how to have fun.

2009-08-05T18:08:00.001-07:00

Okay, this is probably fake, but even so, it's pretty cool.

Ponderance de Nocturne ...

2009-08-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

I really want to do another quiz, but to what should it pertain? More movie stuff? Music trivia? Random things inserted into various orifii?

This truly comes down to you, my two readers. No, the other two. One. Sorry.

Guide me, O unguided ones ...

'Cause otherwise, I got an idea or half.

Pay no attention. He just wants booze. And legs.

The 50 Worst Cars of All Time

2009-08-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

as compiled by Time Magazine, one of the last bastions of actual and unbiased reporting.

No wait, that's Cracked.

Anyway, here's the list.

And I'd have something clever to add, but it's late and I'm a bad son.

Cheers!

I have never been in one of these. One tried to kill me once though.

Why not? Why the hell not?

2009-07-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

Pope Palpatine, I mean Benedict XVI, is going .mp3 capable. And no, he's not buying a new iPhone. He's making an album, much like other pontiffs have done before him.

Not really. This is a first, and a pretty cool first at that. Ain't nothing wrong with adaptation to the zeitgeist; sometimes you have to adjust in order to get your message out to the detached yet highly networked masses.

But this ain't no Southern Baptist Preacher slash Mattress Warehouse Owner. This is the fucking Pope.

The Real Pope. Accept no imitations.

And I say again, why not? I'm all in for a good chant with a bitchin' choral bass line. And if you make one person smile upon listening to it, then your goal is achieved.

I just hope the b-sides rawk too.

Party on, Benny. And Godspeed.

Challenge of the Nocturne

2009-07-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

Find Waldo.

Yeah, this is about a year old, but it's still fucking cool.

There's something wrong with me ...

2009-07-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

Something very very wro-o-o-ong with me. Why is that, you ask? Here's why.

I not only thought my odometer reading was cool, I actually took a picture of it. And now I'm posting it here.

I'm sick, I tell you. Sick in the heed.

Serving suggestion. Actual mileage may vary. Not valid in Utah.

Fracas Involving a Potato Peeler Update

2009-07-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

There has been a fracas involving a potato peeler.

So remember, kids, that this:

Canadian ninjas use these with deadly accuracy.

Will undoubtedly lead to this:

He now works as a cab driver in San Francisco.

Stay in school!

This has been your Fracas Involving a Potato Peeler Update.

By The Numbers - 28 July, 2009

2009-07-28T22:06:00.000-07:00

3 Times I've tried to plug a USB device in upside-down.

1 Times my office line has rung with a sale.

1 Times my office line has rung with a problem.

3 Times my office line has rung with an elderly person calling the wrong number.

.02 The increase in the price of gas today.

3,485,715 How many Californians noticed.

3,485,698 How many Californians have no power to do something about it.

0 Californians who actually can and will.

5 Cash-for-Gold commercials I've seen in the last 20 minutes.

2,847 Times Oprah has uttered the word "Amazing!" today.

0.5 Things she finds amazing.

0.5 The cherry cheesecake came close.

0 Africans saved by Bono.

1 Africans saved by Madonna.

1 Nigerians saved by Edith Jankowitz of Winesburg, Ohio.

27,846 Dollars lost by Edith.

0 People reading this.

7 Hours til I have to get up.

This was back when you could smoke around sensitive equipment.

Your Tax Dollars at Wokr ...

2009-07-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

It seems that simple things like spelling words right just ain't that important anymore.

Bumber.

This is unrelated. Well, not really. It's pretty fucking related when you think about it.

I want to see this.

2009-07-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

No really, I do.

I'm seriously here.

Oh, and this is NFSFW.

It's coming back ... thank Jeebus

2009-07-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, a TV show comes along that holds my interest. Sometimes, a show becomes as addictive to me as pretty much any powdery substance is to Amy Winehouse. This is one of those shows.

Season 2. September 10.

I'm fucking happy.

She still won't let me buy a motorcycle.

Muse of the Night - Drivers

2009-07-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

As some may know, I have spent several years on the road and have become what I consider to be an exeptional driver in that I have never had an accident despite myriad attempts to involve me in the fun.

You no doubt feel exactly the same way, even though the front of your car looks as if David Carradine had used it for a Diet Mountain Dew run.

There are certain makes of vehicles that seem to predicate poor driving behavior, and here is a short list of those makes and a reason why the owners of said makes are such fucking idiots.

1) Ford.

Ford owners buy Fords because Dad bought Fords. Their friend Earl drives a Ford. When they turn on the TV, there's a Ford ad. They don't see an ad in the paper, 'cause they can't be bothered to read. The decision is made for them. Sadly, the decision to buy a Ford dictates the same decisions used when driving said Ford. It's a cattle mentality, and the thought processes involved with using certain standard devices such as turn signals or rear-view mirrors are completely lost in the bovine approach of simply getting to the next pile of hay. When around a Ford driver, always know that he or she will casually drift into the space you currently occupy because they are blithely unaware that there is anyone on the road other than them.

Never park next to a Ford. Your car will get dinged.

2) Saturn.

It was all they could afford, and they don't give a shit that your rear bumper carries the same repair cost as their entire vehicle. They're more predictable than Ford drivers, because at least they have a purpose. That purpose being to trash that shitty vehicle and hope that Geico will get them into a Daewoo.

3) Toyota 4WD.

Apparently, these guys know that Toyota suspensions are pretty good for the class of vehicle and have no qualms about navigating Hwy. 50 west from Tahoe while towing a boat at 85 MPH, because dammit, they can pretty much make that curve. What they fail to consider is that not everyone shares their daredevil attitude, and some are quite content with not having to hit the siderails to get the fuck out of the way of your fishtailing BassMaster.

4) Daewoo.

(see Saturn, but substitute Daewoo with Used Ford)

5) Honda Civic.

This is a mixed bag. If you see a silver Civic with stock rims, you're pretty much safe because it's Helen on her way to her state job and she's got a soft-side cooler with her lunch and her latest Jodi Picoult novel in it, and she ain't letting anything get to those, no sirree.

If it has those cheap-ass black spare-tire rims on the front and $4000 rims and tires and the rear, all accented by a muffler the size of a pony keg and a rear spoiler that has more plastic than Meg Ryan's new lips, stay the fuck away. This moron has augmented his vehicle with all of the performance-enhancing decals his $150 paycheck from Subway will allow, and he will spare no opportunity to rev those 1 point 6 liters to a fever pitch at the stoplight only to squeal the front tires (yes, the cheap ones - he has no clue that his car is front-wheel drive) for about 1.4 seconds before turning off onto a side road because the Check Engine light has come on again.

I'm sure you all have stories to share, and if I've offended any of you, well then fuck you.

That's the way it is.

He has a really really huge penis too.

Godawful Joke of the Night

2009-07-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

One evening, little Billy was playing happily with his Legos when he heard some strange noises coming from his parents' bedroom. Curious, he walked quietly down the hall and gently opened the door to the master bedroom. To his shock, he saw Mom with her shoulders down on the bed and her rear end up on her knees. Dad was behind her making horrible thrusting motions and saying really bad things.

With a slight gasp, he started to shut the door only to notice that Dad had seen him and, though slightly startled, gave Billy a wink and a knowing smile.

Bewildered, Billy retreated to his room to make sense of what he had seen.

The next day, Dad walked down the hallway and stopped at Billy's bedroom door and heard muffled sounds not unlike those made the night before in his own room. At once curious and repulsed, Dad flung the door open to see Grandma on the bed prone and Billy banging the shit out of her withered ass.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" he yelled in horror.

Billy slowly turned his head and, with a knowing smile, said "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Ba-dum-chhhhhhh ...

I am so sorry about this post. No, really.

Question of the Night - Placement of Shit

2009-07-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

Why is it that certain women of the female gender find it absolutely necessary to place a decorative object within a path of egress? For example, a woman will find a wall hanging that has numerous pointy and potentially deadly if not disfiguring aspects to it and think, "The hallway corner is the perfect place for this. There, right at eye level."

Why is that? So we have no choice but to notice it through our one remaining eye?

If somebody can clarify this sort of insanity, please do so.

I'm just glad sometimes that I wear glasses.

I'm also considering wearing a welding mask at all times, but that's merely for trendiness.

One size fits all. Dry-cleaning recommended.

Canada Hospitality Update

2009-07-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

They're very friendly.

This has been your Canada Hospitality Update.

Flags of our Fathers. Some were uncreative fathers.

2009-07-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

As a fan of flags, and of fannies, and of Fanny Flagg, I had to flag this site. With my fanny. It's really cool and will occupy more time than you intended to waste. Enjoy!

Actual size. Contents may vary.

Pig News of the Day

2009-07-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought is was safe to go back in the water ...

Snouts. Directed by Steven Spielberg.

These adorable porcine terrors of the shallow are here for one reason: To eat.

I'm pretty sure they're Canadian.

Yeah, I changed a couple of things.

2009-07-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

Should these changes discomfort you, please ask your doctor or pharmacist about Shudafukupandol.

Quiz of the Day: Who died, who died, hush hush, eye to eye ...

2009-07-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

Often in a story, a chain of events is set into motion because someone went and got all killed. Sometimes you’ve met them, sometimes they’re already gone, but each of them played a critical role in the plot. We at RSOTD salute the fallen soldier, the sailor, the sinker and tailor, the wife, the Bro, the babe and the ho.

The following is a list of characters and the movies they found were simply to die for. Match ‘em to the movie.

No Google.

Or IMDb.

Go.

Laura Palmer

Amanda Hunsaker

Fredrica Bimmel

Benjamin Raspail

Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru

Ben Parker

Dr. Malcolm Crowe

Helen Kimble

Marion Crane

Sam Wheat

Bernie Lomax

Mister Boddy

Pfc. William Santiago

Goose

Dennis Vinyard

Joe Takagi

Fawn Liebowitz

Murron

Miles Dyson

Eric Draven

Catherine Shelby

Jessie Rockatansky

Yeah, she's dead.

And if you have any to add, please feel free to, like, add them.

I'm your Caption, I'm your Caption ... won't you bring me ... my-y-y quip ...

2009-07-17T20:28:00.001-07:00

Show me how clever you are, my sweet little bitches.

Mind-Blower of the Da- Evening

2009-07-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Night. Whatever.

Check this shit out. It's happening even as you shove a Cheeto into your maw.

Wow.

Seriously fucking wow.

And who said Statistics sucks (apart from college students who were smart until they had to take that core class and suddenly became stupider than the stupidest piece of excrement evar)?

RSOTD Update

2009-07-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, I changed the name. I'm exhausted.

Miller Time ...

Change of Plans, or something.

2009-07-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

MOTD will soon become RSOTD, which may or may not appeal to a larger audience (3).

This change will happen whenever the hell I get around to it.

There will still be gratuitous cursing.

We hope this has not inconvenienced your other pointless Internet scrolling.

Fuck you very much.

Poor, poor stupid Marm ...

2009-07-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

He was supposed to grab the swin fins, but it turns out Phil is already wearing them.

I'm too fucking tired and this is too fucking stupid.

2009-07-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

I mean, as much as I admire Brad's ongoing attempts to incorporate the current lexicon into his horribly outdated "comic", I have to wonder just how deep the dementia has gotten to produce something as peurile as this.

Even Bil Keane would attribute such an observation strictly to the kids rather than the dad.

But then again, Phil is a muderous racist moron with the intellectual acumen of a polyp.

Also, I curse way too much. Fuck it.

The times, they are a-changin' update

2009-07-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

MOTD will resume on Monday, the 13th in the evening. I got one of them job things so morning updates may not be possible as I am running Windows Vista and I only have about an hour or so each morning, which is not enough time for Vista to boot up.

I know this is a terrible inconvenience to you, my valued readers. Both of you.

To make up for this, I offer you this wonderful LOL.

They were out of ROFLcopter.

Seattle Filthy Nature Update

2009-07-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's turgid.

(found by Jodi, who has an eye for such things and needed to be pulled away forcibly)

This has been your Seattle Filthy Nature Update

Seattle Dead Celebrity Update

2009-07-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Chris Farley isn't dead.

He's grown his hair out and is working at the Seattle Aquarium.

(found by Jodi, who got caught in the shadow)

This has been your Seattle Dead Celebrity Update.

ps - I know how terribly wrong this one is and that I'm going to Hell for it. Cheers!

Seattle Mid-Day Outdoor Nap Update

2009-07-08T14:55:00.001-07:00

These

People

Are

Fawking tired.

Guess they couldn't find a good espresso place.

This has been your Seattle Mid-Day Outdoor Nap Update.

He's not helping, Phil, you stupid fuck.

2009-07-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

You should know by now that the smell of a mass grave makes him crazy. If you want to keep that shit secret, try feeding Marm sometime.

Seriously, Phil, you're the worst fucking serial killer ever.

Proof that this is still somewhat current.

2009-07-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

See? Brad's hip. He's "with it". He's furnished Phil with a modern television with which Phil can sit with yet another creepy stranger and watch the dog food channel just to torture poor Marm with images of the food he won't get to eat.

Phil The Asshole. In HD. Lovely.

Seattle Fashion Update

2009-07-07T00:05:00.001-07:00

It's not working either.

This has been your Seattle Fashion Update.

Seattle Michael Jackson Memorial Update

2009-07-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

Seems at least a few people in Seattle miss ol' MJ. These were taken outside of the Music Experience Museum.

The basic tribute:

That's sweet, even if it was written on standard-quality printer paper. Then there's this:

'Cause nothin' says "We miss you!" like an empty packet of Ranch Flavor sunflower seeds. Of course, no MJ tribute would be complete without ...

Cherubs! Sweet sweet cherubs! Iconic imagery of nubile, innocent children. How ... touching.

Speaking of touching, I'm sure MJ would feel esspecialy proud of fans who express their sorrow with an extra consonant. It must be Heven to him.

Hey, at least they didn't say "expeshially".

(poor spelling pointed out by Jodi, who noticed it right away)

This has been your Seattle Michael Jackson Memorial Update.

Seattle Fitness Update

2009-07-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's not working.

This has been your Seattle Fitness Update.

Oregon Art Update

2009-07-06T19:16:00.001-07:00

"Out of the boat, Dad. Go."

"No."

This has been your Oregon Art Update.

(note - this was actually taken a few days ago. I been lazy)