In Honor of the Return of Samsmama

And of course, to all the lovely ladies out there ... you know who you are.

There is no correlation here whatsoever. Total coincidence.


Because I'm a geek, that's why!

Admit it - you woulda done the same, right? Right?



It used to be a word that only a handful of Americans knew the meaning of. Now we call it the Internet.

This poor gal is famous now. For a good solid fifteen minutes.

Her phone is totally busy right now.


PS - She may no longer be engaged. Maybe.


Answers to the Movie Quiz ...

have been posted in the Comments Section. If you still wanna play that quiz, post your answers in one of the other quiz comments sections. Or here. Or anywhere, for that matter. Who the hell said you have to color inside the lines? This is a free country, dammit!

See that ice? That's chunks of frozen FREEDOM, baby.


Album Titles as Literalized by a Pretentious Asshole

Same as before, only different. Kinda.


Corporeal Tagging

Magenta Precipitation

Loose Clamor and Melodic Drone

Adhesive Phalanges


Merely a Male Child

Aphotic Lunar Portion

Genetically Predisposed to Scamper


1.1829411825 Liters to Liberty

Melee of the City of Angels

Standard Commercial Activity

Nocturnal Motions

Internally Initiated Conflagration

Esurience for Chaotic Disassembly

AntologĂ­a Blanca

More Formidable than Tanned Bovine Skin

One Style of Prestidigitation

Beneath the Plateau and Musing

Yeah, they bang chicks. Why do you ask?


Filler Quiz - Movie Victims Reheated

Yeah, I'ma reuse this one whilst I create a new quiz (it's gonna be a toughie, I hope).

Some of you are just too fucking smart and I must challenge you severely for that. So grab your Comfy Chair and prepare to be taunted.

Meanwhile ... name the movies that these victims are from. This is a rehash from July and some have already seen it, but now that I have, like, two new readers ... this Bud's fer you. Name that movie. (Sorry, Cary - I had to)

Bring out your dead!

Laura Palmer

Amanda Hunsaker

Fredrica Bimmel

Benjamin Raspail

Uncle Owen, Aunt Beru

Ben Parker

Dr. Malcolm Crowe

Helen Kimble

Marion Crane

Sam Wheat

Bernie Lomax

Mister Boddy

Pfc. William Santiago

Goose (two-pointer here)

Dennis Vinyard

Joe Takagi

Fawn Liebowitz


Miles Dyson

Eric Draven

Catherine Shelby

Jessie Rockatansky

Not a Prius.


Quiz Update

There will be more coming henceforth and hitherto. Whatever the McFuck that means. Stay tuned; I'm hard at work creating ...


You can't tell, but I have an erection that reaches the very bottom of this board.


Band Names as Literalized by a Pretentious Asshole

In the spirit of the last quiz (see below), here's yet another annoying collage of verbal spew which takes the names of bands and takes them to literal roots. Bear in mind that the actual spellings don't count, because as we all know, rockers are stupid people.

If in doubt, blurt it out, just like Grandpa used to say before shitting himself.


Guided Dirigible

Visually Impaired Casaba

Phat Large Spotted Feline

Panel Truck Frozen Rain Occurrence

Definite Article Definite Article

German Minimalist Design School

Definite Article Query of Identification

Bob Seger

Royal Monarch Magenta

Disparate Types of Electrical Transfer

Handheld Weapons and Pricey Blooms

Female Royal Monarch

Ferrous Lass

Female Royal Monarchs of the Paleolithic

Saturated Chroma Holy Day

24th Letter of the Alphabet

Verdant Diurnal Course

Definite Article Tumbling Pebbles

Child Ore

Female Figure of Christianity that Often Appears in Toast

Vehicular Safety Testing Mannequins

Monarchic Son

Oyster Irritant Marmalade

Deceased Lactate Purveyors

Not Memorex

High Altitude Reconnaissance Craft

Architect of Monticello Flying Machine

These assholes have gotten enough attention, don'tcha think?



Well-Known Lyrics as Interpreted by a Pretentious Asshole

Ever listen to a song and think "By Golly, those are some fascinating lyrics, but what do they truly mean? Maybe I should have my 12th Grade English teacher translate them!"

Of course you don't. That would be asinine. Which is why I did this - so you wouldn't have to.

Don't thank me.

Just de-translate these lyrics back into their originally intended forms. I know you can.

The ambient temperature in this location is elevating, so disrobe completely.
(My core temperature is increasing alarmingly, I will remove all of my garments)

There is a female who is confident that all objects capable of reflecting and refracting light are composed of precious metal
And she is purchasing a graded incline with which to reach an ethereal realm of bliss

All things considered, leaping is a viable option
Proceed to leap

A darkened interior environment is less perilous*
We are currently in your presence, provide us with mirth

I have traversed the vacant arid landscape on an anonymous equine
It brings me solace to be away from the precipitation

Merely a young female who hailed from a diminutive community, existing in a paradigm of solitude
She chose to embark upon a locomotive departing at the nocturnal meridian apex and with no particular destination

I am a singular Homo Ovus
I am a singular Homo Ovus
I am a singular Odobenus Rosmarus
(often misspelled nonsensical words)

The female was a mechanical construct created for rapid movement and maintained the tidiness of her propulsion unit
She was the ultimate maledicted female in my history of observation

This remains my personal celebratory congregation and I reserve the right to express sorrow should I see fit to do so

You are bequeathed with the necessity of engaging in combat in order to preserve your inherent freedom to engage in social revelry

All people desire an unspecified quantity greater than one
I desire that as well

My desire is to engage in a raucous form of music for the nocturnal duration
And mingle socially on a diurnal basis

Kind acceptance to the public lodging comprising a large majority of the US Pacific coast
Quite the handsome premises, quite the winsome countenance

That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

Sure, but can you make a Margarita?

* - edited to fix an incorrect lyric. Bad Google! Bad!


Giant Rat News Update: Giant Rat Found in Lost Volcano

This cute li'l feller was found in a jungle in a crater atop an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea (national motto: "Just Wait Til You See Mamua New Guinea!")

He measures over three feet in length and has appeared in such movies as The Princess Bride and Ben and is currently working on a hit single with Jay-Z.

I think I'll call him Tim.

He looks like a Tim.

In other Rat News ...

Giant Rat Found in California

This rat, however, has little or no redeeming qualities.

I'll call him Tim too.

What amazes me about this rat is that he managed to nail two chicks at the same time.

Look at him.

Seriously. Look at that. Who the McFuck would want to nail that?

Guess it's true what they say about having absolute power.

It absolutely rawks.

I guess.


Wardrobe Malfunction of the Nocturne

Can you spot what went wrong? I think you can.


Attention Brits: Be Afraid. Be Very, Very Afraid.

You might chip that last remaining tooth.

Mind the Nice Tea ones especially. Quite nasty little buggers.


Speaking of Shitty Music ...

I think this says it all, and with a sweet little melody you can white-dance to.


Assemble your Fantasy Band

This is like Fantasy Football, only without the Football (or, as so many misguided foreigners tend to call it, "Futbol", which is another sport entirely and is largely unwatched by Americans and therefore sucks).

This is your Fantasy Band, which as the name suggests is wholly unbased in any form of reality. I heard this suggestion on a morning show (Mark and Brian - KLOS) and thought I'd steal it since I have no original ideas anymore.

Basically, you assemble a band based on any musicians living or otherwise (Keith Richards fits either description) and wonder if they'd actually be any good or would just totally suck like some Superbands have.

For mine, I have cautiously and carefully randomly selected the following:

Lead Singer - Scott Weiland. For at least the first few weeks before he goes back into Rehab. Then that spot would be filled by either Chris Cornell or Michael Hutchence. Or both. Why the fuck not? Any of these guys can wail and croon, and I like that sort of versatility.

Lead Guitar - this was a tossup between Prince and Tom Morello, with a dash of Slash thrown in. Prince is amazing when he wields his axe, Morello can create sounds that would make George Lucas have spasmodic orgasms of envy, and Slash ... well, he can rock a crowd and look plain ugly doin' it. Winner: Prince.

Rhythm Guitar - Sorry, but I have to throw John Mayer into this spot. Guy's good.

Bass - again, a tossup. Flea or Les Claypool. Shit. This is a tough one. Winner: Les.

Drums - Grohl. Hell yeah. Danny Carey was close, real close. As was Collins. But Grohl gets the spot.

Keyboards - yes, fucking keyboards. You know they're gonna be in there at some point, so ... Martin Gore? Bruce Hornsby? Billy Joel? Elton? Hmm. Winner: Brian Eno.

Triangle: Ed Grimley. Duh.

I'm gonna stop now cause I have to get some sleep and no one's reading this anyway. I may update it tomorrow just out of OCD.



Answers to the Quiz from Last Year or Whatever

Y'know, the one right below this? Yeah, that one. I know a bunch of you have been waiting for these, so here they are.

1) Jenny Garth Brooks

2) Thomas Jane Seymour

3) Billy Graham Nash

4) Joss Stone Phillips

5) Terrence Howard Hughes

6) Michael Douglas Fairbanks

7) Bob Dylan McDermott

8) Hugh Grant Goodeve

9) Meg Ryan Reynolds

10) Ron Jeremy Irons

11) George Michael Douglas

12) Joe Dante Alighieri

13) Scott Glenn Close

14) Toby Keith Urban

15) George Brett Favre

16) Billy Joel or Zane Grey (double super bonus answer)

17) Clarence Thomas Dolby

18) Phyllis George Romero

19) Bruce Lee Majors

20) Brian Keith Richards

21) Chris Rock Hudson

22) Lenny Bruce Campbell

23) Janet Jackson Pollock

24) Mary-Louise Parker Stevenson

25) Joan Rivers Cuomo

26) George Will Smith

27) Lee Marvin Gaye

28) Pete Rose McGowan

29) Hugh Laurie Anderson

30) Kevin James Joyce

31) Martha Stewart Copeland

32) Eli Whitney Houston

33) Bernie Mac Davis

34) Bobby Van Morrison

35) Grace Kelly Hogan

36) Andy Dick Van Patten

37) Clive Owen Wilson

38) Roddy Piper Laurie

39) Matt Damon Wayans

40) Nick Jonas Salk

Hope you all had fun!