The Missing Link Quiz, Episode IV: Malcolm in the Middle

Following is a list of names that share one thing in common: a missing name in the middle. The missing middle name is the last name of the first name and the first name of the last name. Got it?

In other words, AB and BC share B, where A and C just make no sense together otherwise, except that some of them happen to be quite lovely. And these are all real people, or sometimes were, as the case may be. No fictitious character names were harmed.

This is where all that Algebra finally pays off. Hints available for .99 on iStunes.

Now here they are, in no particular order ... your Missing Links:

1) Jenny Brooks

2) Thomas Seymour

3) Billy Nash

4) Joss Phillips

5) Terrence Hughes

6) Michael Fairbanks

7) Bob McDermott

8) Hugh Goodeve

9) Meg Reynolds

10) Ron Irons

11) George Douglas

12) Joe Alighieri

13) Scott Close

14) Toby Urban

15) George Favre

16) Billy Grey (double super bonus answer)

17) Clarence Dolby

18) Phyllis Romero

19) Bruce Majors

20) Brian Richards

21) Chris Hudson

22) Lenny Campbell

23) Janet Pollock

24) Mary-Louise Stevenson

25) Joan Cuomo

26) George Smith

27) Lee Gaye

28) Pete McGowan

29) Hugh Anderson

30) Kevin Joyce

31) Martha Copeland

32) Eli Houston

33) Bernie Davis

34) Bobby Morrison

35) Grace Hogan

36) Andy Van Patten

37) Clive Wilson

38) Roddy Laurie

39) Matt Wayans

40) Nick Salk

Find the missing Wal*Mart shopper.


Changeup of the Nocturne

This looks wicked scary. Like shit-your-pants wicked scary.

So after that I'll watch some a little more lighthearted and sweet.


Squirrel Update: Squirrels Gone Wylde

What manner of squirrel dares go into battle unprotected? Surely not these fine denizens of dread. For yea, they be sportin' some serious metal, yo.

These guys will fuck up your world UP.


Got Squirrel?

Ever think to yourself, "Self, this is a great picture and all, but damn what I wouldn't give if it just had more squirrel in it." ?

Well, wish no more. Squirrelize that bitch.

Everything's better with squirrel.


Once again, your tax dollars at Twit- work.

Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? They need a study for this? Really?

I should just change the name of this to "The Daily Duh".

This is urgent. I ... just ... crosded ... teh ... street. There.



Classic Creepy Nusery Rhyme of the Nocturne

While I have never actually watched an entire episode of Lost, I'm sure many of you have and probably know this character better than I do. Nonetheless, this is pretty cool, even if it's old and has been done to death.

If I ever have children, this is how I will read to them.


A News Story, Written by M. Knight Shyamalonom

It starts out pretty good, what with the title alluding to a potential confrontation and all. Check this shit out, yo ...

Alleged car thief returns to scene of crime, then enters house


A man who allegedly stole an off-duty police officer’s personal car from the cop’s home early this morning returned to the scene of the crime and was caught wearing the officer’s police jacket.

This is where the tension starts to build.

Michael Reeder, 49, was arrested on suspicion of motor vehicle theft and burglary after he was found in Officer Ruben Crews’ home in the Patty Jewett area.

This sets a character and a location. Good, good ... tell us more. We're interested now.

Crews and his wife had gone looking for their stolen vehicle around 6 a.m. When they returned home, they saw the car in the driveway and that a window to the house was open.

Sweet. The story has come full circle, and in a moment the plot will be revealed after an amazingly intense confrontation:

The officer confronted Reeder, who was wearing Crews’ police jacket.

[eerie violins that get faster and louder, building up to the huge climax, which explodes with ...]

Both received minor injuries in a struggle. Reeder was taken to Penrose Hospital, treated for a head injury and released.

Reeder was booked into the El Paso County jail this afternoon.


Seriously? That's it? Just over like that?

No, it wasn't like it was bad, it was just ... I dunno ... okay, I guess. I mean, that's pretty much it anyway. No need to elaborate or anything.

It's just ten bucks. Huh.


This has been A News Story Written by M. Knight Shymallalong

Nuns on the Run Update of the Nocturne

There are so many awesome things in this story about nuns, Hondas, boxing gloves and fields that I just don't know where to begin.

But after it all, I have a new favorite phrase of the Nocturne ... "It didn't look right."

And you thought the ruler on the knuckles was bad.


In other Rodent News ...

comes this somewhat sad tale of unrequited love.

I will poo for you, and only you, mon cherie ...

Squirrels: Evil or just Canadian?

We report, you decide.

Yeah! How you like me NOW, bitches?

(Thanks to Jodi, who will of course kill me if I don't give her credit.)


Your Pounds at Work

And by "pounds", I mean "units of British currency spent on studies that reveal exceptionally profound and heretofore unknown insights into the human psyche".

This is BIG, folks. I mean like hugely big.

Serving suggestion.


Karma Koupon of the Nocturne

This particular one gets awarded to me, since I did it and it's my fucking blog. So there.

This past Sunday, I was filling my car with horrendously overpriced refined petroleum when I noticed that the young guy in an older model Mercedes had started to drive away with his gas cap off and the filler door open. I mused about that for a moment until I saw him heading into the automated carwash.

During this time, I was talking to Jodi and told her about the event. (I'm adding this credit 'cause she'll kill me if I don't.) She agreed that I would have to point this out.

So I pulled my car up to the carwash entrance and ran in just as the soap started drizzling, waving at the driver to let him know that I wasn't just touching his car for no reason. I closed the filler door, at which point the guy backed out and exited the car.

He thanked me for saving him from what would have been a disastrous turn of events.

I earned my Koupon for the day.

Tell me your Karma Koupon story.

I can't believe I didn't rip this off, I mean post this, earlier.

It's a clean fucking classic.


Highlights for Kids Game of the Nocturne

Find at least four things wrong with this picture. If you spot six, you're doomed to Hell.

That's right, bitches. You are going to Hell. Send a postcard?


A Classic.

This is an oldie too, but it's one of the very few videos I've seen that have honestly made me wonder "Whiskey Tango Felch?" out loud (props to Kari for that awesome acronym).

So if you ever need to not defend yourself against George Costanza in a dyslexic bandana and carrying a 3" pocket knife yet want to get into shape with catchy music, this is for you.

Vehemently suggested by Jodi, who will kill me if she isn't credited.

ps - "Dyslexic Bandana" would be a great name for a shitty hair-metal band


The Voice. The sweet, sweet Voice.

This is a nice little tribute to Don, whose voice I still miss. No one did it like he did.


One more before I hit it ...

Yeah. It's like that.

Maryland Awareness Update.

They're very aware.

Guys? Guys? Hello?

This has been your Maryland Awareness Update.

Germans. They know with amazing precision how to have fun.

Okay, this is probably fake, but even so, it's pretty cool.


Ponderance de Nocturne ...

I really want to do another quiz, but to what should it pertain? More movie stuff? Music trivia? Random things inserted into various orifii?

This truly comes down to you, my two readers. No, the other two. One. Sorry.

Guide me, O unguided ones ...

'Cause otherwise, I got an idea or half.

Pay no attention. He just wants booze. And legs.


The 50 Worst Cars of All Time

as compiled by Time Magazine, one of the last bastions of actual and unbiased reporting.

No wait, that's Cracked.

Anyway, here's the list.

And I'd have something clever to add, but it's late and I'm a bad son.


I have never been in one of these. One tried to kill me once though.