Stuart's Holiday Gift Guide 2009

Every year right around this time, we're faced with the daunting task of picking out gifts for family, friends, co-workers, and other people we absolutely cannot stand. Often, we rely on pre-made lists (Billy wants World of Porncraft 3); tradition (yes, it's the 2009 commemorative Earnhart plate with oak-grain display stand); or advertising ("I think he got me the Dollop of Semen pendant!" "How do you know?" "He went to Jared." [giggles] )

Often we just give up and buy whatever the hell is on the endcap at Walgreen's. This year (2009), I offer you an alternative. This brief guide may or may not help you with truly heartfelt gifts lovingly made in Chinese sweatshops from the cheapest lead- and melamine- based materials in the world.

Happy ChristmaChannuKwanzaaKah!

The FillerBuster - A brilliant bit of software designed to work with iTunes and all other MP3 programs, FillerBuster automatically detects upcoming instrumental riffs and long, drawn-out stretches of music that serve no purpose other than to waste your valuable time and seamlessly skips past them to get you back to the good bits of the song that you actually want to hear. With FillerBuster, you can enjoy Freebird in just over 5 minutes, Iron Butterfly's Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida in under 4 minutes, and Cream's double album in just under 22 minutes! Those examples right there save approximately three days alone. Disclaimer: This product not intended for use by Phishheads.

Puking Dog Alarm Clock - For those of you who have ever owned a dog, you know that there is one sound and one sound only that will pull you from even the deepest delta stage and cause you to immediately rush for the back door with poor hunched-up Fido in tow, only to make it just to the edge of the carpet before the lava-flow of yellow slime erupts from the poor fellow. The Puking Dog Alarm Clock realistically emulates the deep, reverse-peristaltic "howoomp, howoomp!" sound that is the harbinger of having to clean up hork at 3 AM. Wake-up results guaranteed. Available in black and platinum.

Van Halen House Shoes - Walking around the house can be tricky, especially if you have hardwood floors or live in a rainy climate. With Van Halen house shoes, your walking safety is assured. Made with supple calfskin uppers and ultra-sticky treaded soles, these shoes will make sure that you'll never, ever slip. Instead, you'll jump. Go ahead and jump. I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough, I seen the toughest around. And I know, baby just how you feel. You got to ro-o-oll with the punches, and get to what's real. Like these house shoes.

Toilet Tray - Another great product that saves valuable time, the Toilet Tray is a sturdy platform that attaches to the wall with a locking articulating arm, allowing one to enjoy a hearty breakfast (the most important meal of the day!) while taking a shit. Great for the still-employed Yuppie in your life.

Canned Haggis - Designed for the Scotsman on the go, this is a complete haggis sealed in a can filled with a gelatinous substance that is slightly less repulsive than the actual haggis. Best enjoyed while either stoned or Scottish, or preferably both. Not for the squeamish. Phishheads may enjoy it.

Falcon Flight Weather Balloon - I really don't need to explain this, do I? Just remember to teach your kid the importance of lying to the authorities.

Bacon-Scented Feminine Wash - Ah, two of man's favorite things combined. You want nom-nom in the hinter regions? This will do it. Also handy for lonely women with dogs. Certain uses may or may not be endorsed by this blog. For those guys who prefer dong to cooter, this product may also be used as Weenie Wash.

Cheese Beer - The best of two worlds in one mug. Kind of like that viral video, but with less poo. This is high-quality handcrafted beer made with only the best hops and grains and generously infused with real California cheese for an experience that's truly satisfying, refreshing, and binding. Choose from Cheddar Pale, Emmentaler Pilsner, Honey Wheat Bleu, Camembert Winter Ale, and for those with simpler tastes, Cheez-Wiz Lite Lager. Crackers sold separately.

Or, you could just get them some fine art:

No underwear was harmed in the making of this ... thing.