Muse of the Night - Drivers

As some may know, I have spent several years on the road and have become what I consider to be an exeptional driver in that I have never had an accident despite myriad attempts to involve me in the fun.

You no doubt feel exactly the same way, even though the front of your car looks as if David Carradine had used it for a Diet Mountain Dew run.

There are certain makes of vehicles that seem to predicate poor driving behavior, and here is a short list of those makes and a reason why the owners of said makes are such fucking idiots.

1) Ford.

Ford owners buy Fords because Dad bought Fords. Their friend Earl drives a Ford. When they turn on the TV, there's a Ford ad. They don't see an ad in the paper, 'cause they can't be bothered to read. The decision is made for them. Sadly, the decision to buy a Ford dictates the same decisions used when driving said Ford. It's a cattle mentality, and the thought processes involved with using certain standard devices such as turn signals or rear-view mirrors are completely lost in the bovine approach of simply getting to the next pile of hay. When around a Ford driver, always know that he or she will casually drift into the space you currently occupy because they are blithely unaware that there is anyone on the road other than them.

Never park next to a Ford. Your car will get dinged.

2) Saturn.

It was all they could afford, and they don't give a shit that your rear bumper carries the same repair cost as their entire vehicle. They're more predictable than Ford drivers, because at least they have a purpose. That purpose being to trash that shitty vehicle and hope that Geico will get them into a Daewoo.

3) Toyota 4WD.

Apparently, these guys know that Toyota suspensions are pretty good for the class of vehicle and have no qualms about navigating Hwy. 50 west from Tahoe while towing a boat at 85 MPH, because dammit, they can pretty much make that curve. What they fail to consider is that not everyone shares their daredevil attitude, and some are quite content with not having to hit the siderails to get the fuck out of the way of your fishtailing BassMaster.

4) Daewoo.

(see Saturn, but substitute Daewoo with Used Ford)

5) Honda Civic.

This is a mixed bag. If you see a silver Civic with stock rims, you're pretty much safe because it's Helen on her way to her state job and she's got a soft-side cooler with her lunch and her latest Jodi Picoult novel in it, and she ain't letting anything get to those, no sirree.

If it has those cheap-ass black spare-tire rims on the front and $4000 rims and tires and the rear, all accented by a muffler the size of a pony keg and a rear spoiler that has more plastic than Meg Ryan's new lips, stay the fuck away. This moron has augmented his vehicle with all of the performance-enhancing decals his $150 paycheck from Subway will allow, and he will spare no opportunity to rev those 1 point 6 liters to a fever pitch at the stoplight only to squeal the front tires (yes, the cheap ones - he has no clue that his car is front-wheel drive) for about 1.4 seconds before turning off onto a side road because the Check Engine light has come on again.

I'm sure you all have stories to share, and if I've offended any of you, well then fuck you.

That's the way it is.

He has a really really huge penis too.